The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
