Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
