We're like a lot better than the average bears
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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