You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
