Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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