Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
