2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
