I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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