i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
