The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
