New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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