I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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