So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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