I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
