The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
