Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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