guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
