Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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