just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
No...this little piggys going to the bar
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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