It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
