my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
