So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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