Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
