I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
