I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
