Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize