and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
