Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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