I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Randomize
