I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I am one with the molecules
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
