I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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