Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
