I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
