I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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