Well apparently he's into motor boating.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
