Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
this must be what syphilis tastes like
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
