btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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