i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
