i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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