I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize