So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
