if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
