Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
