It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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