He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
