you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
