Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
