I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
