The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
don't judge my taste in strippers
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
