Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
