He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
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