Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i barfeds in our rink
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Semen is not good for contacts.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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