paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
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