There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
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