"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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