Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
