Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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