saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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