if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
