Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize