Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
