hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
