jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
