I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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