My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
me + whiskey = a bad person
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
