im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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