he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
