This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
