I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
