i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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