her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She's the barista slut.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
